If feelings were true

If feelings were true and told no lies
If thoughts could always show me how
If words could solve every mystery
Then I know that I'd be free by now
If I could coax my mortal flesh
To somehow bend to my command
To dance to every tune that's played
And refuse to move from where I stand
If feelings were true and told no lies
If fools could live on bread alone
No doubt of silly compromise
Indeed every bite would turn to stone
Who can play a tuneless song?
Who can build on the waters edge?
Everyone will fall to silence
After every word has been said
If feelings were true and told no lies
Every problem would bear a solution
Yet here we stand, eyes closed, tears hot
Floundering about in utter confusion
Seek what you will, but all seek in vain
Salvation is found in once place alone
When the foolish desires are laid to rest
And weary eyes are turned towards home
The Father is calling, lay down all guns
Peace is found in unfailing love
Thoughts must all be cast aside
In the end they will never be enough

Sweet insanity

This feels like insanity
Doesn't make much sense to me
My head always gets in the way
When I hit the ground and try to pray
So many thoughts that have no use
Breaking free and running loose
In the end what worth is that?
In the end can I look back
And say all I did was just for You
Or some other motive to try and prove
My worth to You and all who see
All this toil for the glory of me
Yes this feels like insanity
To trust in what I cannot see
Sometimes I feel You far away
And doubt will try and make me pay
This all may look ridiculous
How foolish to have such blind trust
Where words will fail actions will rise
And show the heart that lies inside
It's all of You and none of me
Though it feels like insanity
I will choose to hope in what I can't see
Yes this feels like sweet insanity

Where love never dies

Now that the storm rages it's finally clear
Every trial I've faced has been to lead me here
A place where the veil can be torn into shreds
A chance to bring life where lies have been bled
The rest and sanctuary that has never been mine
So elusive and taunting to the tormented mind
Has finally been given through the grace of a King
Even though, in my state, I have nothing to bring
When veiwing His splendor through unhindered eyes
I see this is the place where love never dies

Now that the storm rages I can finally see
Your love has always been willing and free
So I give You my life and take it right back
Follow in Your way then forge my own path
Coming and going with no sense of time
Wasting a life that's not even mine
Yet here at the cross I shed my own skin
Rejecting the old and new life will begin
Never felt so at peace, never felt so alive
Here in this place where love never dies

So lead me away from the world and its sorrow
Grant me the courage to face every tomorrow
Put aside my fear to take up Your standard
For You are the light, the truth and the answer
What the future will hold I can't even guess
And I know at times I will make it a mess
At times I will feel alone and terrified
So I'll run to the place where love never dies

Breathing again

What a waste of time, to hold my hand
A waste of love and affection
For most certainly, I am what I am
And you will always face rejection
My fiercesome conviction bids me to turn
Away from all hope of love
Sooner or later everyone learns
I strongly urge all to give up
I give what I can, only take what I must
And retreat into the world I created
And while all I hold dear crumbles to dust
My taste for pain remains unsated
A smile by day, a phantom by night
Haunting the halls of my lonely exsistence
A fragile bird always poised to take flight
Eternally weakened by my strongest defences
So where does that leave me? Cold and alone
Peering into the chasm I built for my heart
My unwavering pride has been carved out of stone
I rest miserably assured it will never break apart
The best of the worst is always my fare
Uncertainty is a most cruel beast
While some have been able to catch me unaware
Others have deemed me the worst of the least
So that leaves me here, scared and uncertain
Spirit always yearning to knock on the door
To finally tear back this immovable curtain
And joyfully find that there is so much more
More thah what I know, more than I see
So much more than I dared to hope for
Oh God if it's possible, please let there be
A chance to breathe and fear it all no more

The fool

The fool will think that they alone will survive
The strongest and wisest to escape here alive
Every battle plan has been perfectly laid
The numbing fury will always sustain
The world falls into ruin while they sit there in rapture
Feeding on bread from their merciless captors
Biting the hand that holds out to save
Falling into the depths of a watery grave
Feasting on wine from poisonous veins
Clothing themselves in the finest of chains
Tormented cries fall on deaf ears
Utterly blind to their fellow mans tears
Confused and angry, a hatred for hope
The only option to seek is firmly letting go
Chasing every possible pleasure
Polishing every worthless treasure
Pulling down strength from uncaring eyes
Springing every trap, believing every lie
A harsh opinion this is known to be
None so jaded and cynical as me
I must ponder this before laying down rule
Is how many times have I been the fool?

St. Augustine's confessions

One of my favorite writings of St. Augustine.

What, then, is my God? What, I ask, unless the Lord God? Who is Lord but the Lord? Or who is God but our God?
Most high, most good, most mighty, most almighty; most merciful and most just; most hidden and most present; most beautiful and most strong; stable and incomprehensible; unchangeable, yet changing all things; never new and never old, yet renewing all things; leading proud men into senility, although they know it not; ever active, and ever at rest, gathering in, yet needing nothing; supporting, fulfilling, and protecting things; creating, nourishing, and perfecting them; searching them out, although nothing is lacking in You.

You love, but are not inflamed with passion; you are jealous, yet free from care; you repent, but do not sorrow; you grow angry but remain tranquil. You change your works, but do not change your plan; you take back what you find, although You never lost it; You are never in want, but You rejoice in gain, You are never covetous, yet You exact usury. Excessive payments are made to You, so that You may be our debtor, yet who has anything that is not Yours? You pay debts, although You owe no man anything; You cancel debts, and lose nothing. What have we said, my God, my life, my holy delight? Or what does any man say when he speaks of You? Yet woe to those who keep silent concerning You, since even those who speak much are as the dumb.

The essence of You

Searching for signs my heart is still beating
Trying to staunch the flows of it's bleeding
Lifting my eyes and lowering my head
On the crooked path my dusty feet must tread
My fingers are clutching these pieces of glass
Stubbornly refusing to let the misery pass
Throwing myself into the fury of the storm
As the waves of bitterness slowly take form

I pause for a moment to ponder my fate
Struggling to think in my ignorant state
Is this what I want, to shatter my dreams?
To unravel my life and tear at the seams?
I know I want more, more than all this
There's a plan for my life I don't want to miss
How can rise I rise above the merciless waves
How can I be free from this inevitable grave?

I want the essence of You to be the essence of me
The path that I walk, the air that I breathe
The song on my lips, the dance of my feet
The laughter of my soul, and my every heartbeat
I want pictures of me to be relfections of You
In everything I say and in all that do
Let there be only one thing that I desperately seek
That the essence of You, be the essence of me